Tu me dois pour chaque calorie

You know those horrible little apps for calorie tracking? You know the ones, designed to make people feel bad about everything they eat? They turn the art of simply staying alive into some stupid little maths game. Well I've found a game that's much more fun and I'm going to make you play it with me! You see I'm going to go to one of my favourite buffet restaurants, and I'm going to eat my way around every single one of my favourite dishes! I'm going to keep track of each dish, each and every calorie and I'm going to make you pay! I'm not just making you pay for the meal darling, you're paying for each calorie. For each time I've had my day ruined by the looming dread of diet culture you're going to pay. So if I eat 2000 calories all in one go? That's 2000 pound all for me!