Broken furniture repurposed as doormat

I'm disciplining my human furniture for underperforming at last night's event. He kept dropping my guests and letting everyone down. I was embarrassed. I go through the positions he needs improvement upon. First, using the flat surface of his shoulders as a bench for my big ass. This compresses his back uncomfortably, causing him to collapse often. I make sure it hurts all the while. I count up to see how long he can hold me, and he barely gets past 10. Failure. Next, I ride him. He is meant to transport guests across the floors of the party, and he kept failing here as well. As I demonstrate, he is loud, clumsy, and frail as he constantly caves under my weight. I kick the stupid furniture. In one last attempt to salvage the junk, I try to make him do push ups while I'm sitting on his back. In both attempts, he crumbles. His back cracks and he complained of injury for the days following filming.